No More Excuses

Posted on by
2

I am way too nice to myself. If I want something, I give it to myself without a lot of reason or thought. I don’t know how to say no and it’s affecting my life, especially my bank account and my body weight.

I basically always say yes to myself. New dress? Yeah, go on, it’s on Sale. Keep eating past being full, and treats to follow? Why not! Except when it comes to something I don’t really want to do, like exercise or cook a healthy meal. Then I am perfectly happy making excuses and letting myself off. 

I lack discipline and determination. I’m a starter and not a finisher, and it really frustrates me. When I was a kid, I played piano, cello and flute at different times. I quit them all when they got hard. I worry that I will quit this blog when producing content becomes a challenge, or when I get busier.

It all starts with self-belief. One of my greatest insecurities is that I’m not very good at anything. As soon as effort was required and I was past the ‘novelty stage’ of a new hobby, the poisonous thoughts started. And I immediately quieted them by giving up. It was my way of shutting down their voice, but they still won. And with their every victory, another brick of self-doubt was laid.

Now I’ve decided I want to win, and I will. And to do so, I’ve changed tactics. The other day, as per, I was berating myself for lacking the qualities of discipline and determination. Then I just thought ‘well this hasn’t done me any good all this time, so I need to do something different.’

I changed my attitude and instead of scolding myself, I uplifted myself (this is some serious Eat Pray Love jam, so listen up). I started telling myself ‘No Micaela, you are determined and you are disciplined! You are a self-starter AND a finisher!’ 

And it’s working. I saw a little result of this just last night.

I don’t enjoy running whatsoever, but London is putting on a show this week with some glorious weather. So I thought I would go for a run. I want to look after myself, and had been putting it off for a while – due to my ‘I’m not disciplined’ attitude.

I decided before I left that I would run 5 kilometres. Even if it absolutely killed me or I walked half of it, I would do it. However long it took would only be a time to improve on with every run.

At the 3.75 kilometre mark I did what I always do; I excused myself from finishing because what I had done was ‘better than nothing’.

The same way I do when I overspend.

The same way I do when I eat junk food.

The same way I did when I quit all those instruments when I was younger.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

I’ve had enough of settling for mediocrity, I want to be excellent! That’s what kept me going to the 5k mark, in all of my unfit glory. It took me 37 minutes, which your granny could probably beat, but I finished. I completed what I set out to do, which is rare for me. Now I just have to keep running every few days, which will definitely be a struggle. But I can do it!

Eight months ago I started taking this blog seriously, and I have been regularly posting since. I am determined to see it grow and to still be writing in years to come. This is a new Micaela!

I am disciplined and I am determined. 

What about you? What qualities do you wish you possessed? 

Photo credit 

Girl Behind The Words

Posted on by
3

So I saw this on someone’s blog recently (The Lazy Christian) and I thought it would be a good way for my reader’s to get to know me a little bit. Apart from all the emotional shiz that you know about me already!

First is 11 facts about me, and then I will answer 10 questions that Rachel asked at the end of her post. After I’ve answered them I’ll put some new ones at the bottom of this post for you! (If you are a blogger and would like to take part… go on).

Without further ado…

1. I sleep-talk like a mo-fo. It’s embarrassing.

2. My favourite TV shows are New Girl, Greys Anatomy, Glee and Modern Family. I don’t really watch telly otherwise.

3. I dream of adopting a child.

4. I love soya milk. As a kid my mum used to buy it as a treat for me and it would make me really happy. Weird, I know.

5. I still don’t know what I want for a career and I’m 22. Not awesome. Maybe I should just choose something and run with it? (Not a rhetorical question – all advice is welcome)

6. I sucked my thumb religiously until the day before I turned 10, and then never did it again. My mum tried everything as a kid to put me off but it didn’t work, then something just clicked and I wasn’t interested anymore.

7. I love anything with birds on it. LOVE.

8. I eat apple stickers. Who can be bothered removing them? I thought it was normal till I was ridiculed and learned it’s actually gross. Meh, I still do it.

9. I like going on boats a lot. The sea makes me happy.

10. When I was 13 my best friend Katie stood on my pinky finger with an ice-skate. It’s the coolest thing to happen to me to date (medically, I mean).

11. This year I am getting my PADI (diving) license. Next year I will dive the Red Sea in Egypt.

So these were the questions Rachel asked on her blog for me to answer…. 

1. How’d you come up with the name of your blog?

Crazy Micaela

On the surface, I am a fairly bright and bubbly person. Sometimes I’m plain outrageous (if you’re lucky). But I have always been a very deep thinker, and I really don’t think people who don’t know me well always realise that. I used to be labelled as ‘immature’ and ‘crazy’ a lot when I was at school, which is fine because in a lot of ways I was. But I felt there was an intense, mature and wise side that not everyone saw. ‘the underground micaela’ is where those thoughts are projected and shared.

2. What would your perfect day consist of?
It would consist of bike riding around a European city and capturing it all on my camera. Finished off with someone cooking me an amazing meal and watching a good film on the couch. Oh, and a bath would have to be thrown in there somewhere too. I loooove baths.

3. What’s something you’re really good at that few people know about?
The thing is, if I am good at something, everyone will know about it. (I have insecurities about not being good at anything!) I think I am a good swimmer and if I was fitter I could be really fast. Alas, I’m not very fit.

4. What’s one book you didn’t read/like when you were young that you love now?
Haha… the Bible! (I think that’s pretty standard)

5. Who is your go-to person when you’ve had a lousy day?
Definitely Miss Hayley Williams. She’s so supportive and will give me sympathy when I need it, but not endulge my pity parties. She’s good like that. Plus she is always so excited for me when good things happen, I love sharing with her!

6. Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world?
Hmm great question. Apparently whenever I travel I say ‘I could live here!’. I’ve always wanted to live in Japan, though I haven’t been yet, so it’s a ridiculous answer. I’m sticking with it!

7. What’s the most comfortable piece of clothing you own?
Definitely my green Topshop jeans. I wear them all the time. I even wore them on a 12 hour flight on my way home once! Plus they are green = awesome.

8. Do you like to see movies in the theater? Why?
I loooove seeing movies at the cinema! My best friend and I both have Cineworld Unlimited cards and we go at least once a week. I love the experience of a big screen and that everything is so magnified that way. It’s one of my favourite things to do.

9. How do you feel about being in large crowds? 
I hate hate HATE it! Why do I live in London again? It makes me panicky and anxious.

10. What’s the most unusual food you’ve eaten?
Probably snails in Paris.

11. What’s one piece of furniture in your house you wish you could get rid of and never see again?
I don’t have a house. I have a room, and I love everything in it. Sorry to ruin the last question!

Questions for you

1. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

2. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done?

3. In your eyes, what’s your greatest personality trait?

4. Who makes you laugh the most?

5. What’s something you would really like to do in your lifetime?

6. What kind of books do you like reading?

7. If you had to switch jobs or careers, what would you pick?

8. Who do you look up to?

9. What’s something quirky about you?

10. How do you feel about flying in airplanes?

11. What’s the greatest lesson your parents taught you, that you want to pass on to your kids?

Good Music, Kiwis and Mullets

Posted on by
Reply

Last Thursday (10/05/12) was a good day. Firstly, my beautiful niece Kaylah-Star was born! See here, she is a real cutie:

This is my third time at being an aunty (so legit!). I left when Ashton, my nephew, was only two. He was just starting to like me, and I ruined everything and moved away! Then 18 months ago little Asylah was born, who’s basically adorable. Now there’s Kaylah…

I’m missing out and it’s starting to kill me slowly. I may have to go home for good soon, because I hate to be missing out on all the cuteness! After learning about this wee one’s birth last week, I got homesick. Real homesick.

Luckily that night in North London, I got to experience ‘home’ for a few hours (minus the breathtaking landscapes, that is). An awesome band called Six60 came to London to kick off their world tour, and a couple of friends and I went to their first night. It was rockin’! I only know about them because I’ve been home recently, and they’re only just starting to get known worldwide. My point: the audience was largely Kiwi, bro.

This is why I love New Zealand and what I noticed with all my fellow Kiwis in one room:

The rats-tails and mullets. I don’t know where else you will see such disgusting hairstyles, but let’s just say I hadn’t seen either in London till Thursday (and I’ve been here a while).  Just as it is a great accomplishment for a man to grow a mustache, the same goes with mullets and rats-tails. I will never understand why, though I will always appreciate it (but I’ll never date a man who owns either). Getting this picture amongst a heaving crowd wasn’t easy, but it was well worth the effort:

The friendliness. So many smiles, so much camaraderie. We all had something in common: we are from a far-away country at the foot of the planet, and have found ourselves in one of the biggest cities in the world. There was a silent ‘I salute you, cause it ain’t easy’. We are a kind nation of chatty individuals. We say ‘thank-you’ to the bus driver and smile at anyone who makes eye-contact.

The dancing. There was no awkward sways or ‘bopping’. There was just intense rocking out. Everyone was MOVING, all the time, and it was awesome. I may have lost all inhibitions and went nuts, along with everyone else…

The drunkards. Within the first 5 minutes of arriving, a very tall man fell over in front of us. It was only 8pm. The southern hemisphere have a reputation (this side of the world) for binge drinking, and it can’t really be denied. Maybe I just don’t go to the right type of gigs enough, but I’ve never seen this happen before. (To be fair, I’m not very hardcore at all so it could happen a lot, I don’t know).

Everyone knew everyone. It happens all the time. To quote my friend Jenny when we arrived – ‘I wonder how many people we will know.’ You go anywhere with Kiwis, and you’re bound to know each other, or at least have mutual friends back home. It’s a small world in a big city. A completely random guy recognised my friend Jo because her sister went to the same gym as him in NZ. Jo and her sister look very alike, but that’s pretty funny! He came straight up to her and said, ‘Hey, do you have a sister called… ?’  Then two of my long-time friends back home tweeted/texted me to say that I should go and say hi to their friend, who happened to be the bass player in the band. I got a picture for them:

All in all, it was such a fun night! I love where I’m from, and I know I’ll go back eventually. It’s green, it’s beautiful, it’s authentic and special. It’s the best country in the world and it’s my home. But the rest of the world is still pulling at my heart strings and waiting to be discovered. I’m not ready to call it quits yet.

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite songs by Six60. Enjoy!

Happiness Is

Posted on by
6

Happiness is standing on a random island in Scotland, grinning stupidly to yourself.

Happiness is glancing back at your past for perspective, looking down to where you are for orientation, and looking forward to where you’re going for vision. All with hope in your heart.

Happiness happens when you push yourself forward to where you didn’t think you could go.

Happiness is found in friends who are there for you on the bad days when you’re not very fun company.

Happiness is laughing aloud about something funny that happened, even when no one else is around.

Happiness is knowing that you can’t do it all alone, but you can do a lot alone.

Happiness is knowing it isn’t you, it’s Him in you.

Happiness is laughing at your own misfortune, because it’s really not that bad.

Happiness is when you don’t need anyone else to bring you happiness.

Happiness is found in yourself first.

This is what happiness has looked like to me recently. How about you? What does your happiness look like? Are you happy? Leave a comment!

Looking for Purpose & Writing About It

Posted on by
Reply

It’s raining, again, and I am rushing, as usual, through the City to catch a train (it’s all we ever do in London!). I’m struggling to balance my umbrella, my swimming bag and my handbag, while stomping my way to the station. And all I really want to do is yell into the empty rain what I’m thinking:

‘GOD, I WANT TO DO EPIC SHIT! Where is my epic purpose hiding?’

I’m pretty much a broken record with this, and have been since I left school. His response was frustrating, to say the least. ‘You should write about that.’

Clearly the only thing He wants me to understand right now, is that I should write about it. The funny thing is, I don’t even know why I have this blog. I never wanted to be a writer! I don’t have dreams of writing a book, like many other bloggers, and I haven’t been writing stories since I was a kid. I’ve just been talking too much since I was a kid. I don’t have a category, niche or target audience. I’m not a well versed Christian with loads of knowledge.

I’m just a 20-something girl figuring it out and writing about it honestly, in this little corner of the web. I don’t know why I write it and have no idea why you read it, alas, it’s working. (Seriously, thank you!)

What I’m learning is that it doesn’t matter that I don’t know what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it. All that matters is that I’m doing. I’m moving, albeit in an unknown direction, it’s still progressive. God is weaving busily in the background, and even if I never write again in the future, my efforts here won’t be wasted. In the process, I am finding my voice. Not just as a writer, but as a sister, friend, twenty-something, and daughter of Christ.

Lauren Dubinsky, one of my favourite bloggers and creator of Good Women Project, says it perfectly.

Go, do, make, create. Keep experimenting and taking risks until you find what makes your heart swell. Oh, and make sure your passions aren’t birthed from a place of proving yourself to others, but rather as a result of God giving you the freedom to play.

With all my whining, crying and pleading, I think God gets it. I want to do ‘epic shit’. However, perspective is important. I can bloom where I’m planted and recognise the awesome position I am in currently. Blessed job, travelling often, incredible friends, living abroad. It’s not so bad!

Truth be told, I’ve felt frustrated and stagnant recently. But in the mundane of daily life, God is preparing me and using me. The last year has been the hardest of my life, but it’s also been the making of me. Every piece of the mosaic has a purpose.

Whether it’s a fancy career, or writing, or speaking, or having a family, or solving world poverty forever, or traveling across the world on a donkey. God knows what it is, and I know that it’s good.

As of today, God can do what He does best: work everything out for good. My failures, my successes, my fears, and my dreams. All I need to do is live in the day by prioritising my relationship with God, my character and integrity, and the people around me. To believe in myself and take opportunities that come my way. That’s my responsibility. Everything else (i.e. the ‘epic shit’) will fall into place.

In the meantime, I’ll write about it.

Have you found your purpose or are you still looking? Does your life look how you thought it would? Leave a comment.

Empty Words

Posted on by
9

The other day a beautiful friend left a comment on one of my pictures. We haven’t seen each other for years, due to us both leaving New Zealand. She said ‘I miss you, and I genuinely mean that, I’m not just saying it’. Well, didn’t that just make my day!

These days, we’re all guilty of being fake. I remember when someone who I had barely conversed properly with (but we had loads of mutual friends) said she missed me. I was totally perplexed and frustrated, because HOW THE HELL could she miss me? Um, she didn’t know me. I know it’s not a big deal, but it got to me. Empty words.

“Mean what you say and say what you mean.” -Dr. Seuss

I don’t know will.i.am personally, but I massively fancy him and have made a few assumptions while watching him on The Voice UK. My bestie and I agreed that he doesn’t say a lot, but what he does say, he well and truly means. We could be wrong, but thats the impression we both get and it’s refreshing. Genuineness is hard to come by these days, especially in the media.

Heck, if you know me at all, you know I talk a lot and am preaching to the choir here. I do this thing where I repeat myself just in case you didn’t get my point, usually without realising it. I don’t stop talking until I feel that you have given me the right amount of affirming sounds (‘yeah’, ‘uh huh’, ‘mmm’) because I’m worried you may just not understand. I want things to be communicated the way I’m thinking it in my head, juuust so we’re on the same page. I’m doing it now, aren’t I? Oh my gaawwwd, somebody save me from myself.

It’s a little bit like the boy who cried wolf. After telling everyone and their mother, ‘I miss you… and you.. oh, especially YOU!’, those words took on a whole new meaning when I really, deeply missed someone. Don’t get me wrong, I did miss these people to a degree. Anyone who’s been away from their home for a long time will know how it is – we are constantly missing someone. But then came the day when those words would not justify the pain I felt from missing someone. Let’s be intentional with our words and give them power.

My new goal is talk less and have more impact with what I do say. I want to touch people’s hearts with just a few, genuine words, instead of talking and talking and talking away the value of my words.

How about you? Can you relate – do you struggle with talking too much, or is it the other way around? Leave a comment. 

Photo credit 

No Condemnation, Only Grace

Posted on by
2

Today I’m excited to be featured over at Prodigal Magazine with a story of how I had to experience God’s grace before I could extend it to others.

After reading my article there, you should check out the rest of the website. They tell hard-hitting, beautiful, real life stories that we can all relate to.

—–

A couple of Sunday’s ago, we sang Amazing Grace at church. I’ve always known the words to this beautiful song, but I’m used to singing it on special occasions or at Christmas. This time it was just on a normal Sunday, but for the first time it really meant something. This time I knew the Grace I was singing about.

Jesus is Grace personified, and we are all guilty of forgetting that. We’re all guilty of setting high standards and recreating laws that Jesus came to redeem. We’re all guilty of condemning others and ourselves when these standards aren’t met.

And I’m the guiltiest of them all.

Continue reading at Prodigal Magazine.

New Venture | So Worth Loving

Posted on by
Reply

I am so excited to be partnering up with So Worth Loving, a clothing brand with a message of positive self-image. I’ll be writing for their blog a couple of times a month which is such a privilege. Their clothes are rad and I couldn’t help but buy one of their t-shirts when I found them online! Michelle (of Beyond Rubies) and I were their first overseas order, and we feel pretty cool being the only two Londoners with these tops. For now!

Today my intro video for their readers is up – check it out and have a look at their brilliant products! Quality made, cute and affordable.

Click here to be redirected to the SWL blog.

Mosaic Art | Stages and Seasons

Posted on by
5

I’ve always been a very black and white person, which I wrote about in a post last week. I’ve essentially seen everything as either right or wrong, good or bad, unable to get a grasp on the grey and colours in the world. Mainly because anything other than black and white is hard to understand, and to me it meant there was no definitive answer. I can hold on to black and white, wrestle with it, see it for what it is, even if it isn’t entirely accurate. Everything else was like a slippery fish in my hands; so hard to pin down. It scared me.

The truth is that here is so much colour and seeing it has rocked my world. I’ve started to see that some of these black and whites were just for seasons. That my maturity and experience were what defined those seasons, and that’s okay. You and I, we’re like massive, historical pieces of mosaic art.

Every little piece in your masterpiece has a purpose.

17
All I want is to drown in the sea of people that I constantly surround myself in and only come up for air when I have to. When I’m with my friends I come alive, I feel and look happy, perfectly masking my inner turmoil. It’s a release and for that time, it’s good. I block out my sister and my mum who are hurt by my absence. I escape. I go rapidly from being drunk once, twice, to losing count. The Sunday’s are spent beating myself up for not being good enough, and frustrated at my hypocrisy.

18
My wardrobe consists of unflattering and loose clothes, and I pride myself in not taking pride in my appearance. I hate going out and just want to be home, lapping up time with my family before I move to England in a few months. I arrive at a friend’s birthday party; everyone is there and it’s been anticipated for weeks. I should be excited, instead I am sitting on the couch trying to judge how long I need to stay before it’s acceptable to leave. One hour or 2? My sudden turn of introversion baffles and frightens me. I’m working hard to save money for the trip, which is taxing as I’ve never worked full time before. I am rearing to go, eager to start my big adventure.

19
The setting is London and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. There’s no time for TV or reading novels which is a waste of time. Just work, friends, church, Christian parties, work, friends, church. Go go go! Must not stop and must not be left alone, because then the thoughts take over, and the fear takes a grip, pulls me down. Must fight the emotions and enjoy all of the big experiences of living abroad. If I have an hour spare, I fill it with someone because company is essential. Though I enjoy my working hours with colleagues, I don’t go out with them after work because they drink a lot and I don’t want to get dragged down that path. I know how weak I am and don’t trust myself. I fill my life with Christian’s to the point where they are the only friends I have, because it’s safe.

20-21
I’m focused on one person who makes me happy and fills me up with love, as much as he humanly can. While trying to navigate this new unknown world, most other people are ignored and friendships are starved. I have to make extra effort with the few real friends I have and realise how much I need God. I press into Him the way I never have, because there were always people to turn to first.

Present
There’s balance. Thank God for balance, perspective and maturity. I’m out a lot and I’m home an equal amount. I treasure my own company and don’t function well if I go for a long time without it. The security I’ve found in Christ is irreplaceable and I’m not so afraid anymore. I thought this year I would be committing to a life of ‘we’, and it’s turned out to be very much just ‘I’. It’s just me and there are lonely days, but loneliness lets you know you’re alive. It’s just a reminder that we weren’t made to be alone, which makes the days full of amazing friends so much better. The best part: there are brighter days ahead, because I’m not so buried in the pain of the past. I’ve burrowed (cried, fought, beaten) my way out so I can see a little clearer. Phew.

I can see the mosaic I’ve been creating all this time, but for the very first time. Made up of the array of dark and light colours from past seasons and stages, with plenty of room left for future pieces.

These are my years of crossing over from a child to an adult, and I’m still only at the beginning. I see now that these stages were transient, some of them left as quickly as they arrived. Some stayed around while others molded me, and what I’ve struggled to accept is they were all good, even if it didn’t seem it at the time. One thing is certain: mixed up in all of those seasons was my identity. In all the little pieces, I found me.

There’s no black and white forever. We are like mosaic art; broken into tiny pieces and reconstructed again, into hopefully stronger and resilient versions of ourselves. There is different seasons and stages, all different colours, all necessary, all beautiful, all good in their time! We change and evolve, stepping back and forward, but always growing.

All we need to do is place one step in front of the other, constantly adding to our mosaic, even when we can’t understand it. Remember, every peace has a purpose.

Have there been any particular seasons in your life that haven’t lasted forever? Can you see the purpose to the pieces of your mosaic, even the hard ones? Leave a comment.

Photo credit

Time Wasted & Time Well Spent

Posted on by
2

When I was a teenager I heard a powerful sermon entitled ‘The Economy of Time’. It was about how we use our time, and how all the little 5, 10, 20 minute slots in our day add up to our whole life. Basically the same idea behind ‘if you look after the pennies, the pounds will look after themselves’. I loved this message and I’ve never forgotten it.

That day, true to my nature of looking at life as black and white, I started scrutinising my life in a new way. I was constantly asking the question ‘is this worth my time?’

This week, I’ve been convicted and felt like a bit of a hypocrite. I’ve been reading The Hunger Games trilogy and I’m well into the second book. Doing anything but reading the books are resented, and yes, I want to be Katniss Everdeen!

So why the feelings of hypocrisy, just for reading a fad trilogy? A few years ago, a friend of mine was reading a 12 part book series (a trilogy TIMES FOUR!). The books were sci-fi and really thick, and it took him forever to finish all of them. We would often read together, except I was reading self-help Christian books. I gave him a hard time for devoting so much time to reading these books, when he could be reading Christian ones like me! Because I was sooo holy (can you see my nose stuck up in the air?). I genuinely couldn’t understand his willingness to spend so much time reading these books. His defence was that he had spent enough time reading Christian books and this was a nice escape.

I was young and in love with Jesus. I thought him reading that much fiction was a complete waste of time because it wasn’t going to equate to anything, and therefore he was losing hours of his life. I felt the same about television. When I moved to London I stopped watching TV because I was ‘too busy and too important’. I was either out and about, being productive or asleep. I saw TV and reading novels as a waste of time, which is sad, because I love reading.

But I was young and that’s the stage I was at, it was just a season. I was eager to learn how to live in God’s ways and have the best life I could, and saw anything that would distract me from that uworthy of my attention. Which isn’t all bad, there was just an air of inbalance.

I think I’ve balanced things out a bit more now. I still like a good Christian book occasionally, but it has to be renowned and highly recommended, because I’ve fried my brain with too many in the past. Recently, I’ve rekindled my old love of novels and let myself spend hours reading them. No, for that time I’m not doing anything highly productive, but I am stimulating my brain and imagination with words. IT’S SO AWESOME.

Now I can understand that my friend simply enjoyed those books, and that alone is enough. The riveting storylines captivated his imagination, and allowed him to temporarily experience another world. Who doesn’t love doing that? I know I do, because sometimes reality is mundane. I love going to the cinema, I love reading a good novel, and I love watching my favourite programs online every week. All in moderation. I’ve finally accepted there isn’t anything wrong with that; these things are a form of relaxation and enjoyment. Therefore it isn’t time wasted, it’s time well spent!

I’ve been thinking a lot about stages and seasons recently, and there is a blog post to follow next week focused on this topic as a whole. Have you noticed a change in season in your life the same way I have with reading and watching TV? Do you think it’s a waste of time doing these things? Leave a comment!