Fix Me Jesus

May 3, 2013 2 Comments

Eighteen months ago I was going through a difficult time and barely coping. My nights were dark and lonely; my days anxious and painful. I was eventually persuaded to talk to someone qualified enough to deal with the dark cloud of issues that were hanging over my head. I had tried fixing myself but to no avail, which is when I wrote this post.

So I put my hands up, my head down and cried my broken heart out to the stranger with a comforting smile and warm eyes.

I expected him, this man, to fix me. He was the qualified one with years of experience and seemingly all the answers. He bought logic and faith and the complexities of human nature, and laid them all out on the table for me to process. He explained, listened and soothed. I talked, cried and laughed (while crying).

I did indeed find answers, comfort and support, and so much more. I would come with nothing to talk about, and we would end up having a great discussion that was always incredibly timely. Our sessions were a special thing that I grew to look forward to.

As the weeks, fortnights and months passed, it felt like my counsellor was fixing me.

Until one day, he went quiet and had a thoughtful disposition. “Are you working out what you’re going to do with me?” I joked. “No, I’m asking the Lord what He wants to do”, he smiled. In another session I expressed my frustration at not being able to overcome a particular issue. To which he said, “We’ve come to a point where we can’t talk anymore; we can only ask God to do the rest. You have done enough.”

I was relieved and felt a weight lift from my shoulders.

So I went away and I prayed “God, fix me. I need you. I can’t do this without you.” I prayed it again and again, day after day. This week, after months of regular visits to the soul doctor, I was deemed “fixed”. And though I was determined to forgive and process my issues, and my dedicated counsellor guided me through, it wasn’t just us that got me to this point.

I went to see someone for answers and comfort and support. I received all of that, but Jesus was the one to fix me, and is the One who will continue to fix me.

This morning I read this profoundly simple prayer in the book I’m reading called God on Mute, by Pete Grieg. It’s an achingly honest book that bravely explores questions that many Christians are too afraid to ask. I highly recommend it.

This is a prayer I will hold close and read many times in my life.

Oh yes, fix me, Jesus, fix me.
Fix me so that I can walk on
a little while longer.
Fix me so that I can pray on
just a little bit harder.
Fix me so that I can sing on
just a little bit louder.
Fix me so that I can go on despite the pain,
the fear, the doubt, and yes, the anger,
I ask not that you take this cross from me,
only that you give me the strength to continue carrying it onward ’til my dying day.
Oh, fix me, Jesus, fix me.

-African American Spiritual

I was never meant to fix myself and no one else was meant to either. Jesus is my fixer.

–

Do you believe that Jesus can fix you?

Filed Under: Essays Tagged With: , , , , ,

To My Future Love

April 24, 2013 7 Comments

Dear future hubs,

I’m going to try and make this as non-cheesy as possible, but I may have already failed by even choosing to write it. Cringe. But bear with me as I say some important things that you need to hear and will appreciate reading one day.

Though I hold much hope for the future, I’ve decided I don’t really like all this “future” chat. Which is funny because I talk on this very blog a lot about the future and this letter is to the you of the future. My problem is that it makes the future some faraway magical place, when really, time moves very fast and every single day we are moving into the future. The future is only magical as long as it isn’t real. I’m a realist but not in a negative way – I love reality because it makes me engaged in my present, instead of lost in my dreams.

All that is to say: you are real and not a dream. You’re a living and breathing person with a real past and a real future – that includes me (tehehe). The reason for my writing all this nonsense is that I just want you to know, wherever and whoever you are, that I don’t expect anything from you. I expect you to be kind most of the time and faithful all of the time, but other than that, just be you.

I will choose you for many reasons, and I hope you forever stay true to the person you are when we marry. I don’t expect a lot because I know what you will be getting for a wife in me. A kooky woman with a wild heart and a big mouth. And though I try really hard, I’m so damn imperfect. I find comfort in the fact that you will be too. We can be messy and gracious together.

I hold no expectations for your past, family, baggage, career, appearance or anything else. You are hereby released of any pressure you ever have and ever will feel regarding any of these things.

The only thing I know for sure is that we will laugh a lot, because a) laughter is a priority for me and b) I’m kind of hilarious. Other than that, I don’t dream about you because that’s when unrealistic expectations creep in. I do hope and pray for you; that you’re doing okay and becoming a wise, smart and honest man. I’m doing my best over here too, but I’m doing it for me, not you. Because right now, to me, you don’t exist.

I look forward to when you do! Don’t rush but don’t dawdle either; we’ve got a lot to do. (Oh and I’m bossy, but you already know that. Sucker…)

Until then, adios mi amor.

Yours x

Filed Under: Letters to no one Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Surviving the Terrible Twos: Money is a Big Deal

April 17, 2013 4 Comments
Money is a Big Deal

Creative Commons – Sean McMenemy

 

Here we are at week 3 and the final installment of Samantha and my 20s series, with the icky subject of Finances! I have loved discussing the awkward parts of  20s life with you all, so thank you for reading. Each week it has made me dig deep, think and look at my own life with a new eye.

Make sure you read Sam’s newest post HERE. Getting to know this girl better has been a privilege; she is funny, God fearing and true. I love that the internet has connected a Texan and Londoner to create this series. Two perspectives from two girls stumbling through their twenties. It’s been fun and I’m sad it’s over.

Week 1 – Careers
Week 2 – Dating 

–

Money is a big deal. You don’t realise it until you lose your wallet or debit card, and the simple things like buying your lunch become a problem. And if you’re like me, even though it’s a little out of your control, you still feel embarrassed or sheepish asking for someone to help you out until you can get some cash.

Which I think represents an awkward attitude that we have about money. I’m not sure what it’s like in other places, but in Britain it’s a fact that everyone has money and it’s no one’s business how much. The pay gap between rich and poor is a gaping chasm, even inside the walls of one office building, but no one talks about it. It’s a hush-hush subject and we’re all meant to keep up appearances, when often the reality is that a large amount of us are buried in debt.

My story is that I went from working full time at 18 without a financial care in the world and that being okay. To now at 23 with minimal savings and a permanent case of wanderlust, and it not being okay anymore. I used to think buying a house was for grown ups and I needn’t worry about such things for another ten years. I unconsciously put it in the “husband box” because responsibility comes with marriage, right? Then recently I had a brain wave; houses are expensive and I might not have a husband as soon as planned. Which means I would have to start saving a hefty amount each month now to buy a house by the time I am 30. Uh, which means, I need to be responsible now.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Lessons Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Surviving the Terrible Twos: Discussing Dating

April 10, 2013 12 Comments
dating

Creative Commons – ClickFlashPhotos / Nicki Varkevisser

 

Welcome to the second week of Sam and my blog series on getting through your twenties. Today we are discussing DATING (ohh hell), and last week we discussed careers. Share your stories in the comments!

Be sure to check out Sam’s dating post here.

–

I can tell you how to be in a longterm relationship, and what not to do in one. I can tell you how to be perpetually single. I can tell you how to awkwardly tell someone that they have the “X-factor” you’ve been looking for… Yep, it happened, but in my defense it was long before that damn TV show existed. However, I cannot tell you how to “date” because a) the obvious and simple answer is to go on dates, and b) my experience within that arena is very limited.

I’ve had two first dates. The first first was a dive into the deep end, and the start to a serious relationship that I probably wasn’t ready for. The second first was spent freaking out about what personal information I was allowed to omit and what I wasn’t, because I don’t really have an internal “too much information” filter. Whew, stressful stuff. After forcing a second date, we agreed there wasn’t enough chemistry to go out again.

Two first dates and two very different outcomes, both of which I learned a lot from. And there you have my adult “dating” history. Therefore today there will be nooooo advice giving, ’cause this sister is as clueless as the next. But instead I will bring to you four discussion points that I hope you will weigh in on!

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Lessons Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Be Interrupted

April 8, 2013 2 Comments

Mother and daughter

As many of you know, this past Christmas/New Year my mum visited London to see me for the first time since I moved here. Before she arrived, I had a long list of wonderful London things I wanted us to do. Visiting Paris and Madrid was also on the agenda. Mum had never been to Europe and I was set on giving her the best time possible, which meant having a packed itinerary for three full weeks.

A couple of days in I realised that though she appreciated my efforts, she was just excited to see me.

She didn’t care about getting stuff done. The holiday was about us spending time together after almost five years apart. To her, it was about rich conversation and laughter and fun. It was about connection. It was about relaxation. After all, it was a holiday for both of us. She was eager to see the city I call home but what mattered is that she was doing it with me.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Lessons Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Surviving the Terrible Twos: Careers

April 3, 2013 6 Comments

career

A few weeks ago I sent out a depressing tweet that said something along the lines of,

“No one tells you how hard your twenties will be.”

The lovely Samantha Jo Berry spoke up in agreement and said jokingly that she could do a whole blog series on it. Always a fan of a challenge and new opportunity, my immediate response was, “let’s do it together!”.

AND TA-DA, here we are. The ten years inbetween going to school and being a mature and full functioning adult is (insert profanity here) hard. It’s confusing and messy and lonely, despite the fact that we all go through it. In true twenties self-involved form, we think it’s only us that’s suffering. Such a lie. Which is why Sam and I are writing this series.

For the next three Wednesdays, Samantha of The Biggity Big Blog and I will come to you with our messy lives and lay it all out. Advice and whinging included, in equal amounts. Today we will cover Careers, the one thing I have a deep love/hate relationship with. Next week will be Dating, and that should be funny since my love life belongs back in primary school. And finally in week 3, Finances. The only advice that will include is what NOT to do because my money management skills are Dire with a capital D.

Your twenties is one thing you certainly cannot go under or over, because then you miss all the joys of going through it. Of which there really are many! We hope you enjoy the series and share your thoughts in the comments.

And don’t forget to read Sam’s post today on careers too, it’s a good’n.

————————–

Yesterday over on the So Worth Loving blog I shared my struggles with holding my career in too higher esteem. It’s been a big head and heart ache for me since I left school, full of questions about my ability, talent and purpose. It’s made me cry and yell in frustration. It’s made me feel insecure in a city where everyone is someone and I’m lagging. We live in an era where young people are setting up businesses and living their dream because we are told “you can do anything!” and “never give up!”

What about when you don’t know what your dream is, let alone who you are or what you’re good at? What about when you need to pay the bills and don’t have the time or resources to pursue your passion? [Read more...]

Filed Under: Lessons Tagged With: , , , , ,

You Aren’t Better Than Anyone

March 14, 2013 2 Comments
Creative Commons: epsos.de

Creative Commons: epsos.de

 

We live in a world of class separation. Sure, it’s a heck of a lot more politically correct and subtle than it used to be, but it’s still there; loitering, lingering, blowing some people’s egos up and trampling on the confidence of others. At its core, class separation is just one person thinking they are better than another. Often because of things that are out of one’s control, like their upbringing and family’s financial circumstances.

I find it fascinating that money and education can give people feelings of superiority. Working in support positions in the corporate world means I’ve experienced much of this. No, I don’t have a degree, but it doesn’t mean I’m any less worthy of respect than the person with a doctorate who’s sitting next to me.

Money makes the world go ‘round, indeed, but it can also do damaging things to a person’s pride. Whether it was earned by hard work or inherited, wealth doesn’t change the worth or value of a person. Neither does skill or education. And neither does good life choices, where is where my pride has tripped me up.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Lessons Tagged With: , , , ,

Own Your Life

February 27, 2013 7 Comments

bwmic

Yesterday I was listening to a friend air her concerns about the guy she was seeing. “Do I really like him though? Do I want to make this official?” she asked. We laughed as I told her she is too old for commitment issues (I shoot from the hip), but I did have empathy.

My friend wanted me, or anyone, to tell her the answers regarding her love life. And all I could tell her was “only you can answer these questions because this is your life”. She probably knows the answers already, but doesn’t realise it because her mind is swimming with a million other anxious and afraid thoughts. On top of that are the host of well-meaning voices that have told her what to do, making a lot of noise.

I know what it’s like, because for a long time I spent every day in her shoes.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Lessons Tagged With: , , , ,

When Is Running Away the Right Thing?

February 21, 2013 8 Comments

running 2

Running away has a negative connotation. We’re often advised to face an issue, deal with it and go through it, rather than escape it. Enduring hard times and seeing things through promotes good character, yes? I believe in this and all the reasoning behind it, but naturally, at my core, I’m a bit of a runner. I’m a little too familiar with giving up and calling it quits.

There are a number of situations where that’s cost me. For example, I wish I never threw the towel in with learning instruments when I was younger, or sticking with languages at school. It was all too hard, so I made seemingly valid excuses and broke up with German and French, and cello, piano and flute. I regret that.

But is it always bad?

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Essays Tagged With: , , , , ,

Is Love Earned?

February 14, 2013 1 Comment

love

This week, my friend Cory kindly hosted me on his popular blog where I wrote about my experiences with love. My own blog has been having some issues while I redesign it so I didn’t get to share it with you when the post went live.

So here is the beginning and I hope you will finish reading over at CoryCopeland.net

–

When I was 17 years old, I had a very unromantic understanding of relationships. I remember flicking through a magazine when a quote from Nicole Kidman caught my eye. Regarding her husband Keith Urban and their problematic marriage, she declared that “you can’t choose who you fall in love with.” I scoffed and thought, “Stupid famous people and their stupid romantic theories.” I believed love had to be earned, and that we all had 100 per cent control over whom we chose to love.

I was guarded and practical due to what I had seen of marriage and didn’t want to experience myself. I thought avoiding heartbreak was rather straightforward. All you had to do was wait for the right person who ticked all the boxes. Then you invested the time into getting to know them and eventually, with much deliberation and thought, you fell in love. Not rocket science, right?

Now here I sit some years later, having loved and been loved, and not sure what I believe.

Continue reading and share your thoughts at CoryCopeland.net

 

Filed Under: Essays Tagged With: , , , , ,
« Older Posts

To the Top